11.14.2017

The Feelings


In recent weeks I find myself getting so emotional about such random things.  I'm feeling all the feels for commercials, articles, video clips on you tube.  You name it and i'm feeling it.  The more sentimental the more I feel.  

I have never been an overly emotional person.  In fact I thought I had a heart of ice because I could barely feel things.  There have been personal situations that did get to the core of me but those things were super personal to me like my grandparent's funerals, my kids all starting kindergarten, when my boys each graduated from elementary school.  But really that's it.  

However, I'm feeling things so much more and it's a bit strange for me. 

As we settle into our forever home I know I have changed.  I have grown.  I have matured.  I'm embracing this life.  I'm savoring the moments with my kids, especially as I watch my boys pull away and become teenagers.  I want these moments to count.  As a result of this I"m thinking that as I watch the commercials, videos and read the stories I am relating more as a mother.  As a mother with children who are excited about growing up and striking out on their own.  

As a mother I want this for them but I also want to keep them close for as long as I can.  I struggle with these feelings.  This struggle adds to the emotions I feel for everything I watch and see.  I'm turning into a cryer.  And that's ok.  I cry because my family is growing up.  As they should.  And when they all do it'll be time for my and T to rekindle our alone time.  To make our empty nest years the best years.  To grow old and sip ice tea on the deck together, while we hold hands.  

I feel the feelings with intensity.

I never thought I would be the person who felt all the emotions.  Who cried out of love.  Who cried out of happiness.  Who cried just to cry in order to let it all out.  The cry is always followed up with a smile.  A smile that reminds me that all the feelings are genuine and warranted.  

I will continue to feel it all.  To hold my kids close for as long as I can.  To envelope them in my arms even when they want to pull away.  To keep their warmth close to my heart on days they want to stay in there rooms and talk on the phone.  I see myself in those moments and can only imagine how my own mother felt.  

But the feelings.  All the feelings.  It swells my heart.

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