10.10.2017

Stream of Conciousness- Friends


Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh......Sometimes, life just feels this way.  It's not often but it does happen.  And for me it's always the same reason and that reason makes me so furious because it means so much more then what the situation calls for.

First, let's back up a little bit.  About five years ago I decided to make some changes in my life.  

  • Let things go.  Don't dwell on things I cannot control.  Deal with the feeling/emotion/person now and then let it all roll off my back.  
  • Say no.  I was sick and tired of always saying "yes" and then kind of dreading the thing I had to do but really didn't want to.  I mean really, why am I doing this if I don't really want to?
  • Do what makes me happy.  Whether that's making me happy because it makes other people happy or making me happy because it is something I truly want to do.  My life is precious to me and I don't want to live it doing things I don't want to do (see bullet point two) or it doesn't make me happy.
  • Live passionately.  I feel this is different then doing things that make me happy.  I want to live in the moment and make my dreams become reality.  I don't want to live in the "we should...," "one day.....," "if only...." BS.  I want to do it all.  I want my kids to experience the world, both near and far.  I want us to live life to the fullest because we want to.  
So let's now talk about letting things go.  I've ranted on about a single person in the past.  I don't reach out any longer, except birthday's because hey, FB makes it easy to just type in HBD and poof it's posted and you're done.  Anyway, when I believed I was no longer being prioritized I stopped reaching out to see what would happen.  And what I expected to happen, happened.  No surprise.  Was I pissed?  For sure.  Do I really care?  I'm hurt by it but not enough to reach out and say "what's up?" because then it's me again, reaching out and beating the dead animal.  So this person is hidden on FB so I don't have to deal with their updates and it totally works.  Ive gone and looked at their page just to see what's going on in their life.  Yeah, i'll "like" certain things.  Then there are days where I go in and check things out and random things will stick out and hurt all over again.  I don't understand where things went wrong and why.  I have my suspicions but have never really got any closure.  I don't even know if I need it at this point.  The thought that this one, single, person can make me so upset is mind boggling and upsets me more.  I'm sure its the hurt and realization that I was just so blatantly de-prioritized. I always made time for this person because she was my friend and you do that for your friend.  Friendship is a two way street and it started to feel one way and its upsetting.  Honestly, if I didn't already know this person I honestly don't know if we would be friends.  Probably not. 

I'm learning to let this one go.  All the feelings need to be processed and released.  I'll take the memories, be thankful for what we had and then cest le vie.  This is my biggest hurdle right now, which in the bigger scheme of things is not to bad.  I need to light a candle, burn some sage and just be grateful for the time this person was in my life, but now it is truly time to move on.

This is a work in progress and i'd like to tidy all these feelings up and release it at the close of 2017.  

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