5.23.2010

Lighting the Match

WARNING:  I'm pretty sure this will be a jumble of words of venting, over emotional feelings, potentially some bad mouthing, and me being childish and selfish.

Sometimes I feel I make friends with people who are to emotional.  Not all of them but a handful of them.  And I don't really realize this is the case until i'm neck deep invested in the friendship and then it goes sideways.  "Sideways" can mean many things.  It can mean a fight of some sort happened, you drift apart, weird competition and/or unspoken unease takes root; you get the picture.  

But then maybe its me, reading into everything with a fine tooth comb.  Making things out of nothing.  Like most people its hard to take the blame when friendships get weird when there was nothing overtly done on your part.  I think i'm a pretty easy going, super flexible friend.  I'm here to listen, i'll share, i'll drive your getaway car if we're tight.  Loyal.  That is until you're a bitch to me, even a semi-bitch then the loyalty is gone, kaput.  I will take this bitchiness personally, explain your shit or considered the bridge burned.  Yeah, I can be pretty black and white and I think it's because I go all in with my friends and if you can't be a true friend then I don't have time for that because clearly you're still in high school.

I have a handful of friends, long time friends, who are loyal through and through.  We live 1000's of miles apart but it doesn't matter we're always there.  Although we don't always talk we'll drop a text to say "hi," tag each other in silly IG vids and photos.  We let each other know we're there and thinking of them no matter how small the gesture.

But this post is not about those friends.  In fact, its about a single friend.  Let's begin.  Although we new each other for a few years we weren't really friends just acquaintances.  We became fast friends, maybe it was out of necessity at that time, maybe it wasn't.  I believed it to be genuine and was probably one of the more fun friendships I had.  In fact we, husbands included, new each other and got along well, and our kids did too.  It was great.  We saw each other often, had sleepovers, enjoyed mellow times and not so mellow times together and even got through a couple of sad, tumultuous, personal moments.  They don't live in the city but not so far that it's a chore to see them.  

Before I continue I feel like I need to point this out.  When we became friends, in the summer of 2013, I was overweight.  I was the "fat friend" even though, at the time I thought I was just cute and chubby but whatever.  

So fall of 2014 I start seeing my trainer by New Years I'm down 35lbs or so.  Not to bad I was still the larger friend, I got some praise from my friend, not that I was looking for it but it was minimal acknowledgement.  By summer of 2015 was down about 45 lbs and ending the summer down 55lbs.  Then things got weird.  By summer I was totally smaller then her, more toned, visibly toned and energized and healthy and getting attention online from friends.  I was a zillion times more confident in my skin even posting full length swimsuit photos of myself on FB.  I mean, yes that's obnoxious, but god damn I worked so hard on my body.  Naturally ALL CHANGES TO MY LIFESTYLE.  BETTER EATING, WHICH INCLUDED EATING TOWARDS MY ULTIMATE GOALS AND WORKING OUT OFTEN.  This is in caps on purpose.  I did not, have not, and will not partake in any type of bullshit supplement, diet scheme, rigid paid for program.  So not necessary and a waste of money.

Well, the weight loss happened and BOOM she starts being a bit weird and oddly, passively, competitive with me.  Making snide comments when hanging out.  Then slowly and slowly she calls and texts less.  1 in every 2 times we would make plans she'd cancel for some really rude, irritating reason.  Maybe they were legit reasons but it didn't seem like it, it just seemed like a sad excuse.  I mean if I made plans with a friend I hadn't seen in MONTHS and my hair appointment got canceled and rescheduled on the day I was seeing my friend.  Well, I'd ask for a new date because I'd want to see this friend before to much time lapsed.  So yes, canceling on me, limiting when and how I can hang with her.  It's super lame.  And it's super annoying that I have to make an "appointment" to see her, like a week in advance. I mean I have friends that I just call and say, "what's up?  what are you doing?  let's hang out?  Sweet!  see you in an hour."  I mean, that's what it should be.  We both don't work, we both have kids in school and I have 3 kids and she has 1! Why is your daily schedule so grueling?  I mean, really?

Now, maybe i'm just being nit picky.  I doubt it but I could be.  You see, she's is hawking this diet "program" (which is so unnecessary) but whatever.  She is "coaching" people which, no comment.  She is constantly having to blatantly post about workouts which to me is purely a cry for attention.  But what really bums me out is how much she encourages these people she's "coaching" and how positive the comments are yet when I was going through this once I dropped any significant weight she seriously got weird and there was no acknowledgement or even positive anything from someone whom I thought was a good friend?  I don't fish for compliments but if I had a friend that was overweight and had lost a bunch of weight I would shower her with praise because that's a hard thing to do! To lose weight like this takes a lot of hard work, no lie.  

Another thing is when I do see her I feel like all she is trying to do is grill me on my workout regime and eating regime.  And I divulged a little when I felt like she was coming around and was going to be that great friend she used to be.  The it just burned me when a month or so later I noticed an FB post where she basically spewed the info I told her and was like "yeah, this workout and my diet bullshit is awesome.  PM me for details." (of course im paraphrasing).  Yeah, don't go taking my workout and spinning it, no coupling it with your diet shit.  I don't like my shit touching that "program" shit because I don't believe in it.  

I feel like that friendship is crumbling away, pretty quickly.  I've seen her maybe 3 times since xmas and she lives 45 minutes away!  We don't get invited over for jack shit, yet in those 3 times we've seen this couple its always like "come over.  we can hot tub. we can hang out." blah. blah. fucking blah.  NOTHING.  Now we bought this amazing country house and she hasn't seen it.  And I noticed that when we post about the house she is always up on that shit.  Recently i've been getting comments and texts saying "i wanna see the house and catch up" of course you do!  Yeah, that isn't happening until I feel better about this relationship.  

Maybe i'm being overly sensitive.  Maybe i'm just being a bitch.  Maybe i'm being jealous.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.  I can wonder many things.  I can speculate on her actions.  I know I need to be a straight shooter with her.  But I've heard one to many excuses from her and its tough to take the higher rode.  My way of taking the higher rode is to not try and overly engage.  I reach out.  If she shoots it down or cancels I recoil and believe me I don't reach out again, for awhile.  In my opinion Ive been the initiator of the last few times we made arrangements to hangout, and yes, she's canceled some of those times but i'm reaching the breaking point.  We've made plans for this week.  If it gets canceled ball is in her court and honestly I won't be as flexible as I usually am.  A person can only take so much before its not worth it anymore.

I'm not in high school.  I don't want my social life to feel like it is.  Nor do I want a friendship that i have to work so hard at.