2.24.2015

Inner Monologue

I feel as though I'm a good person.  A good wife, mother, daughter and friend.  I do what I can when I can.  If it's possible to drop everything and run to a friends or neighbors need I will but truthfully its not always the case.  But again, I do what I can when I can.  

My life is busy sometimes verging on chaotic.  It's okay, though, I accept it as it is and I go with the flow.  I have to.  I'm the head of the casa and need to make sure that no matter how crazy things get my family has their needs met and the chaos doesn't seem as nuts as it really is.

As a wife I listen, love, respect, provide balance and grow with my husband.
As a mother I listen, love, respect, teach, empathize and create warm, fun and memorable days for my kids.
As a daughter I listen, love, respect, help, teach and continuously learn.
As a friend I listen, love, respect, show compassion, empathize, share and learn.  

All of the above I consider family.  Family to me is not just blood but people I care for.  Friends that double as family is precious.  But sometimes I feel like I let people in then get burned for it.  And maybe I should have just left them as regular friends rather than allowing them into my inner circle.  Live & learn, right?

I don't understand when friends are going through shit and then ice you out rather then accepting your offer to listen.  I've gone through BS like this with more then one friend over the years and I just don't get it.  Maybe its not my place to get but I don't like seeing my friends in any kind of pain and if I can lend an ear and maybe even offer some advice (or not) I'd love to do what I can.  I'm not one to enable and I think my friends know that about me which is maybe why some of these friends turn my offer down.  I understand the need for space and will happily give that.  But when to much time passes I can become concerned.  When I get shut out I can only assume why.  The hot and cold that is put out can be taken questionably.  I feel like its high school bullshit but what can I do.  I'm not going to poke around and be nosey about it.  I'm not going to embrace the need for fishing for answers nor will I feed into false empathy.  I've offered my words of compassion, offered my ear but nothing.  I will not do this everyday.  Maybe twice total and then i'm out, no more reaching for this related problem.  If i'm not needed here I have kids that need me elsewhere.

Ugh.

Like I said, my life is busy.  I do what I can when I can.  I can't be there, on call, for someone who may or may not want my help.  

I try to create balance in my life.  Being present for all those in my life.  Allowing the wheels in my life to roll smoothly.  Coupled with that I've also carved out a great little space for just me, an area that was previously lacking.  Sometimes its tough but I don't strive to make everyone happy, every day all the time.  That's not the point in being a good wife, mother, daughter, or friend.  It's really about the balance because there is no way for everyone to be satisfied all day every day.  

Doing what I do, I feel makes me a good person.  I don't need to be a perfect person nor do I want to be one, I just want to be a good person.  Good people make mistakes, learn from them and improve.  I pick and choose battles typically erring on the side of taking the high road and just backing away.  I choose not to waste energy on people and things that don't need my help or presence.  I divert that energy into other areas of my life areas that will thrive off the energy.  But i'm here if needed and i'll do what I can if I can.  That's all there is to it.

I don't spread myself thin, I know better then to make that amateur mistake.  But i'm here.  I'll listen, i'll love, i'll teach, i'll learn, i'll empathize.

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