Sometimes Selfish

I struggle a lot with this whole looking for a job thing and going back to work.  Part of me misses the days when both T and I worked FT and we could pretty much buy and do whatever we wanted.  Living frivolously - for sure!  I had/have an addiction to expensive purses and fast German cars.  I still do but have to be realistic (I've since opted for an AWD Swedish sweetheart).  Anyway, for the last few years I worked FT and T worked from home with his own business bringing hom inconsistent pay, but it totally worked and we were okay not living large like we used to but we were okay.

Now that we are on one income, we have totally scaled back on many, many things.  As spontaneous as we are we do have to think clearly and make sure we are making an economical choice.  Lame, at times but we really have to.

I have my days that I totally miss random, out of the blue, shopping sprees.  I miss buying stuff I want on a whim.  Im coping and I've accepted where we are at and really.....Im good.  

I never set out to be a stay at home mom.  It never appealed to me.  I still don't have any of my kids with me M-F.  I have Crash 2.5 days a week and the other days she's at daycare.  Daycare is good for her and good for me.  And the boys are at elementary school so they aren't home until 330pm.  I like having days to myself.  I'm not one to lounge around doing nothing but watching TV.  Normally I'm working (I do have a couple of side jobs), cleaning, baking, cooking and yes there are times when I am laying around watching TV or catching up with some reading.  I do sigh when the clock ticks ever so slowly to 330 or on Tuesday nights when I realize that its Crash with me the entire next day.  There goes my "me time!"  And in that moment I don't feel guilty thinking that, that my kid is going to jack up my day of "leisure."

However, when I am with her...she makes me happy, she makes me angry, frustrated, stressed......then out of nowhere she says, "i luuuuuvvvvee you mommy...." then tightly wraps her little arms around my neck, squeezes me with all her might and plants a big, wet baby kiss on my lips.  Everything melts away.  My eyes water.  And all my thoughts of spending my days alone suddenly feels selfish and I hate myself a little bit for thinking it.  The power of the baby!

But the reality of it all is the balance we have as a family is good.  My boys have school, after school activities, play dates and time with me.  Crash has daycare, activities like swimming and dance and time with me.  And you know, i'm a big advocate with toddlers in daycare I believe it is good for them the socialization with other kids, the structure, the rules they have to follow it works, it really, really works.  Crash has "her time" and it allows me to have "my time."  And this makes me a better mom.  A better wife.  A better me.  Selfish or not, my days are scattered, my time is important to me.  It's a beautiful balance and if that makes me a selfish mom so be it - nobody walks in my shoes but me.

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