Another late night. Just when I thought my sleeping habits were back on track I'm up again at a quarter to 2am! I slept for 13 hours last night but I really thought that was catch up for all the late nights I've been having with mild insomnia. I'm giving myself until 2am and then I am going to bed, that is that!
With every day that goes by its one day closer until we go to Hawaii. I know i'm going to regret that we're only staying for 3.5 days. Mind you this wasn't a vacation trip. If T hadn't gotten his job when he did I'm sure we would have figured out a way to stay for 3 weeks. I'm going to make the most of my time in Hawaii and hit some spots I didn't make it to over Christmas and New Year.
I had to explain what a funeral was to the boys. K is still feeling so sad about Popo passing away. This is his first brush with death. I dont think the finality of it all registered with the passing of animals he had encountered. When I bring Popo up he can't look at me and pleads not to talk about it anymore. I've explained that its okay to cry and to feel sad. That I feel the same way and I am still crying about it. But I also told him its okay to remember any good memories and to smile and be happy by them. He's coping and it may be awhile before he can talk to me about it but that's okay. I want him to be prepared for the funeral and not be scared because its not a scary thing. B on the other hand took it with ease, it was really weird. I've asked him over and over again if he understood what it meant that Popo died. He claims to understand. He did ask if she died because she reached a certain age. I had to go down a path I didn't want to and explain all the reasons why a person may die and age has no factor. I explained the funeral to him and he said he is fine with it but doesn't want to look in the coffin and is a little "freaked out" by the burial and doesn't know if he wants to watch. I assured him it was all okay. We'll see how it goes and I hope that I can keep it all together.
My mom is still asking me to read the memories I put together. I explained that I needed to think about it because I really don't want to cry and read simultaneously in front of a large group of people. The thought is truly mortifying to me. Im hoping that if I read the memories a few times a day it will just turn to words, just a lot of words (I don't want to say meaningless because they aren't but something like it just so I can read it aloud) and I'll be able to get through it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Right now, i'm still crying as I read it silently to myself!
I've been looking at Popo's pictures a lot and I cannot believe she isn't here. I knew this day was coming up and soon but I keep thinking about the phone call from my mom. I know for certain though, i'm so happy and at peace with the fact that Popo passed away peacefully at home in my aunts arms. There's a part of me that wishes I was there with the rest of my family, taking their last look at her as she was, being able to hold her hand one last time, run my fingers through her hair, and give her a final kiss good bye. But I wasn't and its something I just have to live with. I'm happy my mom was able to do all of this. It makes for a beautiful last memory. Popo was my last living grandparent. She was the only grandparent that met her great grandkids. For that I am grateful. I have some great pictures of them all from this past holidays, I will cherish those picture and remind my children, often, of their Popo. I need to muster the courage to read my memories at the service, this can and will be my swan song, my good bye to my Popo.