7.02.2010

Wreckage

I was never a big crier. I cried over boys. I had a big cry when my grandmother died while I was in college. I didn't cry over movies, commercials, fights with friends etc...But goddamn having kids has made me a big 'ol crybaby. I hear this often from other mothers. Nearly every emotional thing (song/commercial/phrase/toy/whatever) brings me to tears. I feel like I can relate more. I read an article about a child missing and my heart goes out to that family and suddenly I'm thinking that whole "holy hell what if it was my kid" and BAM-tears! I'm at the mercy of my emotions. This is so not the pre-baby making Amber. I was hardened. I was tough. But I was wrong, I just hadn't unleashed my full emotional impact. So anyway, I've read so much about all these mom's breaking down in tears when taking their little ones to see Toy Story 3. Toy Story 2 made me cry, you know that part when the little girl, all grown up, tosses Jessie. That entire vingnant of her growing up brought me to tears. I feel like an idiot crying. But I know how that story goes. I think of my youth, my parents then suddenly i'm thinking of my kids growing up. NO! Here it comes......Tears!! So now Toy Story 3. The kids have been asking for it. I wanna brace myself because the last thing I wanna do is cry in a theater full of strangers.

Kids. Wow. Who'd a thought the power of having kids would have on me. I'm at the mercy of my heart. I can't control any of it. I read an emotional story and I can't help but insert my family into the story instead of the fictional family. It's amazing what it does to you. I think in my life I needed this. I lived pretty freely without kids. With just T and I we did whatever we wanted, didn't care about the repercussions. It was pretty awesome, i'm not gonna lie.

I waited for a long time to have kids. I was selfish. I wanted MY time. I wanted to do lots of things before having to take care of a small child. I did lots of those things. Yeah, so I have my kids now. There's still I want to do. I don't let my kids dictate my life, I get them excited about new places and new things and T and I have learned how to continue doing the things we want but to incorporate our kids. It may not be as flighty we take more care in the planning. Our kids roll with the punches and we've done good with their sense of adventure and wanting to visit new places, see amazing things and take those chances.

My kids have taught me many things. How to love unconditionally. How to have an open heart and open mind. How to let go and laugh and be silly. How to not take little things for granted. Most importantly they have taught me that time does pass quicker then you think and to cherish every single day no matter how good or how bad or how boring.

God I feel like an emotional wreck where my kids are concerned.

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