- Firstly I had a baby in early Dec.
- Enjoyed the company and help of my mother for all of Dec.
- Spent lots of energy trying to get the baby on a schedule or at least figure out her internal clock so I can plan my day around it.
- Seized the opportunity to hang out with my preggo friend, Adrienne
- Re-introduced myself to my long lost love, sewing
- Think. lots and lots of thinking has been going on
Having lots of "downtime" is such a treat until it becomes to much downtime. I've been thinking about lots of things lately. One of which how quickly time goes by. Nothing makes you feel like time moves so fast as having kids. The physical and mental growth is mind numbing. I mean I remember when V was scooting around on the ground like a worm and now he's doing kung fu. It really doesn't feel like that much time has passed but its been over 3 years! All the little memories of the boys come flooding back with each day I spend with D. And I realize just how much I've missed out on, okay, maybe "missed out" is to dramatic a word because i've been here just not as much as I would have liked. I'm really starting to get worked up over it with the new little one. I don't want to miss anything but all good things will come to an and and eventually i'll return to work. I put the boys in daycare as infants because I didn't have a choice. T and I had to work, which is the situation now. However T's schedule is a bit different these days and most if not all of his work is done out of the house. But that's a different story for a different day.
So D, I want to spend lots and lots and lots of time with her but I can't I HAVE to work. It sucks to be in a place in life where you are just part of the grind. Doing these things you may not necessarily love but you have to in order to be able to do the things you love. I feel my soul being sucked away a little every day when in the grind. Wake, wake kids, dress, eat, drop offs, work, home, dinner, barely "play" time, kids off to bed, me off to bed. Its sad! I'm not enjoying the things I should be enjoying. Factoring in the commute to the office and my day is pretty much shot! I dont hate my job I just hate the commute. Although I didn't have a commute in LA it was still pretty much the same schedule. I need change. I want change and I want it ASAP.
I've been passively looking at jobs while on leave. I doubt i'll find something with comparable pay and that i'll enjoy. I have a lot riding on my back, like medical insurance for everyone in my family. So its tough. I've been thinking of solutions to my problem like maybe working part time, I heard a rumor that a minimum of 32-hours per week will still allow me to qualify for my benefits. I don't mind that, since it would allow for a 4-day work week. I gotta somehow work up nerve to ask my boss about this. Here's what scares me.
My work group has learned to work without me. I had to, essentially, train my replacement before I left for leave. Work has been very slow (and it still is if not slower), my replacement barely has enough work for her (Eeeek!) and my replacement probably makes 40% less then me. You do the math!
Anyway, this thinking thing. It's making me worry about things. Lots of things! Its making me reanalyze what I want most out of my life but is giving me the time to figure out how to make that change. I want to be happy with the decisions I make and I want to make them for me. How realistic is this? Who the hell knows. But the "grind" sucks ass! I want out or I want it heavily modified so I can enjoy my kids, my husband, this beautiful city and most of all get rid of all my stress and worry!