5.09.2006

Remembering

On my way to drop K off at daycare I was stopped at a crosswalk by a crossing guard allowing children to cross Vicotry Blvd. I was the first car at the stop line. I couldn't help but stare at this woman. Her hair. Her face. Her walk. Her glasses. She looked just like my grandma who passed about 7-8 years ago. I couldn't help but stare. She crossed back over and we were allowed to continue down the street. I was dumbfounded and before I knew it I had streams of tears running down my cheek.

I miss my grandma. I really do. When she died I was living in Chicago and she was in Hawaii. I didn't go through the sick process like the rest of my family did. I received updates a few times per week. I knew she had cancer and her time was limited. But I thought I would have had time to see her one more time before she passed away. I received a call one night at about 3am. I knew what the call was before I even picked it up. It was my grandma. I knew it. "Hello." "Amber.....," it was my mom on the other end. She had been crying, I could tell. "Mama, just died." I KNEW IT! I immediately began to cry. I couldn't process much. I could barely get anywords out. I blurted out, "just now?" "yes, a few minutes ago." I couldn't talk and wanted to get off the phone, I told my mom that. I wanted to take in the news I just heard. I hung up the phone and went back to bed where T knew exactly what went on. I think he was more prepared for my grandmothers death then I was. I was probably blind to it and didn't want to except it.

I stayed home from work and school the next day. My cousin called me. Completely hysterical! She was closer to my grandma then I was, and that is saying a lot. She also, lived with my grandma which probably made it harder. I could barely understand what she was saying but I knew what she meant. I felt it to. We talked for a couple of hours till our voices were hoarse and noses were red from all the crying. I ended up flying back for the furneral. That was rough. I cried and cried like I never cried before. T couldn't join me so I was solo on this one. When they lowered her casket into the ground I honestly thought I was going to faint. That was it, you know. It was over. I don't go to the cemetary very often. I'm uncomfortable doing so. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to the headstone? Once in a while I'll go with my mom and put some flowers on her grave. Exactly a year after my grandma passed my grandpa followed her. We all saw that one coming. He was never the same guy once my grandma was gone. My dad's sister and her family shared the house with my grandparents. There wer a lot of memories in that house when they passed. My aunt eventually sold the house and moved next door to my parents. She wanted to remain close to her family. My grandma's death changed our family dynamic. My dad, his brother and sister all live in the same town now. They see each other all the time. My aunt living next door is very close to my parents. I like the way things are now.

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