There are days that I feel like the biggest dreamer. Where it feels as though I'm not living nor feeling grounded in reality. But I am, truly I am. I just have so much going on in my head that when I'm left with time, alone, my mind wonders into the parts of my head where all my big dreams live.
I'm 100% for dreaming big. I tell my daughter to do it all the time. I tell my boys to do it in different words because in their teen years i've noticed there perception of "dream big" has shifted so for them I do have to allow for guidance and discussion otherwise there big dream may be for $2mil in GTA currency! Hrmpf.....
But like I said, i'm a big believer in dreaming big. I dream big all the time. I have big dreams for my family. I've blogged something similar in the past, right here, and once my husband was on board as well we now have a collective goal to work towards. We've kept it on our radar and want to ensure that we are always keeping the wheels turning on it.
I know big dreams don't happen over night. They are big for a reason and typically takes planning, sacrifice, readjusting, saving etc....But that's okay. The cost associated with the dreams are worth it. I'm not talking only financial cost but sacrificial cost as well. In order for making our dreams real it was first realized I have to view this as a goal. I mean, right? Dreams become reality when you make it your goal and become hyper focused on what you need to reach that goal. And that, my friends is exactly what I am doing. We've spent the last 6 months, so far, getting our ducks in order, so to speak. We are conscious about our spending. No irrational spending but not meaning we don't do anything fun. Fun can be free, fun can be cheap, fun can be whatever you want it to be.
We rang in 2018 at home, low key with our kids. NYE isn't as wild and crazy as it once was. The last few years was spent with friends and either of our homes, but normally included little to no driving, because you gotta stay safe folks! Anyway, this year we didn't want to drive anywhere. We didn't want any wild and crazy in our home. We wanted a fun time with our kiddos. So this is exactly what we did. We got dressed up. We made a turkey with trimmings. We had wine. The kids had sparkling cider. We played games, because, as a family, we love our board & card games! Ultimately, it was perfect!
I started a Bullet Journal this year. I've continually written in a regular journal since i was a pre-teen. In fact, I still have some of my high school journals (CRINGE), and I can barely bring myself to read some of the shit I wrote about. Anyway, I still have my daily journal, and a few years ago I moved it all over to a Weekly Moleskin. It keeps me on track, each day is given a limited amount of space so I don't drone on and on about daily details. I bullet point my workout, and a few thoughts of the day and that's it. Now for the BUJO. That's a bit more. I've outlined sections I'd like to include and treating more like "A year in the life..." Where if I were to disappear off this earth my family are able to go through and see the goals I had planned out for the year, areas of my life that needs improvement and how I want to do that, my favorite things, books i'm reading etc.....I'm finding the entire BUJO process to be both relaxing and a bit overwhelming. Overwhelming because the book is thicker than I am used to and its just so much to fill. But relaxing because it is allowing me unload my thoughts, ideas, concerns and bottled up creativity. Everyday, I look forward to adding a couple more pages to my book. I like being able to just clear my head and focus on this one thing. And this one thing only for an hour or two.
So far 2018 is shaping up nicely. There's so much I want to accomplish this year and can't wait to jump into it!
|Just mom & I in matching PJs. I don't have much pictures with my mom and 2018 will be the year we make that happen!|
Seriously, is it really 2 days until Christmas? That snuck upon us pretty damn quickly. I mean, I just finished my Christmas shopping two days ago and in all honesty I could use more time. T didn't pass his list on to me so I got him things I knew he wanted but I feel pretty crappy about them. I didn't get him anything jaw dropping, super cool, or possibly even surprising. I got him practical things he has asked for over the year. He's a tough guy to buy for especially when he's a guy that just goes out and buys the things he wants as he wants them (ahem SX200 right around Fathers Day!) However, I do know the things I did pick up for him he will enjoy. I would much rather create a tradition, while the kids are still young, that he and I just buy each other one, maybe 2, gifts but rather allocate gift giving to the kids, a giving tree and things for the home.
But that's not the point of this post.
My point is, December....it's almost over. Which also means we'll be closing the door on another year, very soon. 2017 has been a good year, a rather transitional year but still good. We walked into 2017 while in Seattle but knowing that half way through the year we'd end up in the country living in our dream home. And our dream home is where we are ending the year. 2017 has been a very full year:
-Travelled to England for 14 days
-Travelled to Hawaii for 20 days
-Travelled to Washington DC for 14 days
-My middle graduated from elementary school
-Big Red had a great first year of middle school and possibly the best school imaginable
-Crash surprised us all and wound up in the advanced literacy & math groups at school
-My middle travelled to Hawaii for a month, and while there survived a week of sleep away camp in Hawaii
-My middle started middle school
-My middle joined the track team, a sport he has never tried before, and he really liked it
-Big Red started public school (in the 7th grade) and he enjoys it
-Crash started a new elementary school and is thriving
-T is really, really commuting to work doesn't love it but is doing a few times/week
-I am still grappling with running a gigantic house but at the close of 2017 I feel like I have it under control
-As a family we volunteered at a food bank for the very first time and we all enjoyed it and loved the feeling it gave all of us
-We adopted the most patient and beautiful black cat
I have a large family. My parents each have multiple siblings who have kids. Those kids have kids. There are lots of kids in my family. Not many of my cousins have just one child. Some have 2 but more of them than not have 3+ kids. You see, I have a large family. Nearly all of my immediate family live in Hawaii. So we visit my family annually, keep them close and keep my kids close to their cousins (we don't go into the details of 2nd, 3rd cousins) since they are all about the same age.
My husband and his brother and their late mother blended right into the fold and made our family diverse and larger.
My husband does not have a large family. Granted he's got extended family scattered across the US but he has never been to close to them. He has cousins in SoCal that we would visit for holidays, they only lived 45 minutes from us at the time. But that relationship didn't ignite until the early 2000s. You see his cousins are my parent's age and growing up they led an entirely separate life from my husband and his brother. But now we keep in touch because, duh, family.
My husband does have a younger brother. I've known him since he was a freshman in highschool. So my brother-in-law really feels like family for me, more like a brother than a BIL. We see each other every year, normally twice a year. He comes here in the summer and we go out his way, the other Washington, in the Fall for Thanksgiving.
I feel so grateful we have family out east, my kids have been to DC a few times and they simply love it. They have their favorite things they like to see and do and of course visit with their Uncle.
This year we flew out for 2 weeks. My brother-in-law got married this year so we got to spend extra time our East for both Thanksgiving and the wedding! We spent Thanksgiving at home and my SIL & BIL cooked an amazing meal which we of course, enjoyed for days after. It felt so good to spend the day with family and we filled the house with chaos and laughter.
In recent weeks I find myself getting so emotional about such random things. I'm feeling all the feels for commercials, articles, video clips on you tube. You name it and i'm feeling it. The more sentimental the more I feel.
I have never been an overly emotional person. In fact I thought I had a heart of ice because I could barely feel things. There have been personal situations that did get to the core of me but those things were super personal to me like my grandparent's funerals, my kids all starting kindergarten, when my boys each graduated from elementary school. But really that's it.
However, I'm feeling things so much more and it's a bit strange for me.
As we settle into our forever home I know I have changed. I have grown. I have matured. I'm embracing this life. I'm savoring the moments with my kids, especially as I watch my boys pull away and become teenagers. I want these moments to count. As a result of this I"m thinking that as I watch the commercials, videos and read the stories I am relating more as a mother. As a mother with children who are excited about growing up and striking out on their own.
As a mother I want this for them but I also want to keep them close for as long as I can. I struggle with these feelings. This struggle adds to the emotions I feel for everything I watch and see. I'm turning into a cryer. And that's ok. I cry because my family is growing up. As they should. And when they all do it'll be time for my and T to rekindle our alone time. To make our empty nest years the best years. To grow old and sip ice tea on the deck together, while we hold hands.
I feel the feelings with intensity.
I never thought I would be the person who felt all the emotions. Who cried out of love. Who cried out of happiness. Who cried just to cry in order to let it all out. The cry is always followed up with a smile. A smile that reminds me that all the feelings are genuine and warranted.
I will continue to feel it all. To hold my kids close for as long as I can. To envelope them in my arms even when they want to pull away. To keep their warmth close to my heart on days they want to stay in there rooms and talk on the phone. I see myself in those moments and can only imagine how my own mother felt.
But the feelings. All the feelings. It swells my heart.
I'm one of those people that function on minimal planning. I get the big loose outline of what to do, 1 or 2 must do bullet points and then I like to fill in all the blanks on the fly. I want to believe I'm a "fly by the seat of my pants" person and maybe I truly, 100% was before kids, but with kids maybe i'm more 85-90%. I'd say with three kids 13yrs and younger that's pretty spontaneous. And that's just me. My other half is maybe 40% spontaneous. He is more of the risk manager, the planner, the adult. With him there's always a reason why we can't do something or can't do it right now, or maybe we plan for it in x amount of time. To that I always sigh and give a good eye roll. I'm practical about things but he's practicaler (yeah, yeah, I know its not a word).
I believe when an opportunity presents itself you should take it. You make it work. You live and explore that experience before it passes you by. I believe that life should be lived to its fullest by doing and seeing as much as you can. Im not a total dreamer and I know that for some finances is the biggest obstacle, a lot of times it is for us. However, if there is something you want bad enough you save and do whatever you have to do to make it happen. We are thrifty people and we know how to travel and live frugal if need be. We do it all the time. Scrimp here to splurge there. Scrimp with A so B can totally happen. You do what you need to do. Sometimes T doesn't see it the same way and we have this conversation all the time. Me trying to convince him and He trying to rationalize with me.